Don’t Ask…

Well it took me a while to return and I am still no closer to being a little brighter, I was close but not close enough. Since we last spoke I have turned to the prudence of ovulation kits and have since discovered that I may very well only be ovulating only one day each month. Went to the Doctor’s last night and was told that I have to be trying to conceive for at least two years before anything is taken further. She has scheduled some blood tests and of course I hope that everything comes back all clear but then again if that is the case, it  means I am still no closer to finding the answers to my never-ending questions. I’m not wishing to be classed as infertile but how do I deal with something that I can not see?

I am lucky. Lucky that I have the wonderful support of my husband and family but trying to conceive is one of the loneliest paths you will ever have to take. All the advice I have ever received is to relax, to take it easy. Stop stressing. The second you relax, you will find you get pregnant. I don’t know about you but what stresses me more is when I’m told to relax. To take it easy. To stop stressing. I have to say though that I’ve started to be a little more selfish these past days. I have tried to stress little, let my ironing pile up and occasionally ignore the stacking dishes in the kitchen. It hasn’t worked yet and in the end I begin to feel like a failure and inadequate for letting the laundry and dishes build up. I feel I am in a constant struggle to find middle ground.

The Doctor suggested I ignore the ovulation kits, that the kits are creating more harm than good. Judging from my cycle,  how on earth can I ignore them? For so many years my body has been like clockwork, I knew what every single ache and pain meant. What my body was trying to tell me. Now I am in the dark.I can’t help but question every ache, every pain. I felt sick this morning – is that a sign? I get headaches, does that mean I’m pregnant? I’m thirsty a lot, what does that mean? I plan for everything just so that I can feel in control. I create solutions for all imaginable problems and disasters and yet no matter how hard I look there are no solutions to this problem (and potential disaster).

I am in a dead-end job; have difficult colleagues and yet if I am honest am still in this job after two year for the much sought after maternity pay. I’m not earning a huge amount each month but it feels too irresponsible to leave. I fear though that the stress of my job is stopping me from getting pregnant. I would like to leave and train to be a teacher and of course my dream is to see my words in print.

I am not afraid to say that I was in tears last night. I long to wake up smiling each morning, to feel that my living is not wasted. I feel like a deer in headlights.

I long to hold a new-born baby in my arms that actually is my own child and to no longer hear the question: “so, you are not pregnant yet then?”