The More You Hear Something…

The more you hear something, the more you believe it, right?

For most of today I have been living by the mantra of “if I don’t feel it, it’s not there”. I have been feeling period pain twinges and I am begging for my mantra to come true. I am days away from the due date of my period and I’m feeling like stone. The other day, I was running for the train and once I had sat down experienced abdominal pain and I fear that I could have done something wrong. I’m torn between convincing myself that I’m not pregnant to still clinging onto the hope of getting a positive result. I’m inclined to prepare myself for the worst so that when my period does come, I am  merely convincing myself of what I already knew.  Does that mean though that the result is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I used to remain hopeful until I had proof that I was unsuccessful, but now I cling onto reality and would rather prepare myself for the worst instead of receiving the worst news without any coping mechanisms in place. Each month I analyse what I have done wrong. How I have harmed my chances. Was it running for the train? Was it allowing the stress of work getting on top of me? Was it not relaxing enough at home? Did I have too much caffeine?

What did I do wrong this time?

Don’t Ask…

Well it took me a while to return and I am still no closer to being a little brighter, I was close but not close enough. Since we last spoke I have turned to the prudence of ovulation kits and have since discovered that I may very well only be ovulating only one day each month. Went to the Doctor’s last night and was told that I have to be trying to conceive for at least two years before anything is taken further. She has scheduled some blood tests and of course I hope that everything comes back all clear but then again if that is the case, it  means I am still no closer to finding the answers to my never-ending questions. I’m not wishing to be classed as infertile but how do I deal with something that I can not see?

I am lucky. Lucky that I have the wonderful support of my husband and family but trying to conceive is one of the loneliest paths you will ever have to take. All the advice I have ever received is to relax, to take it easy. Stop stressing. The second you relax, you will find you get pregnant. I don’t know about you but what stresses me more is when I’m told to relax. To take it easy. To stop stressing. I have to say though that I’ve started to be a little more selfish these past days. I have tried to stress little, let my ironing pile up and occasionally ignore the stacking dishes in the kitchen. It hasn’t worked yet and in the end I begin to feel like a failure and inadequate for letting the laundry and dishes build up. I feel I am in a constant struggle to find middle ground.

The Doctor suggested I ignore the ovulation kits, that the kits are creating more harm than good. Judging from my cycle,  how on earth can I ignore them? For so many years my body has been like clockwork, I knew what every single ache and pain meant. What my body was trying to tell me. Now I am in the dark.I can’t help but question every ache, every pain. I felt sick this morning – is that a sign? I get headaches, does that mean I’m pregnant? I’m thirsty a lot, what does that mean? I plan for everything just so that I can feel in control. I create solutions for all imaginable problems and disasters and yet no matter how hard I look there are no solutions to this problem (and potential disaster).

I am in a dead-end job; have difficult colleagues and yet if I am honest am still in this job after two year for the much sought after maternity pay. I’m not earning a huge amount each month but it feels too irresponsible to leave. I fear though that the stress of my job is stopping me from getting pregnant. I would like to leave and train to be a teacher and of course my dream is to see my words in print.

I am not afraid to say that I was in tears last night. I long to wake up smiling each morning, to feel that my living is not wasted. I feel like a deer in headlights.

I long to hold a new-born baby in my arms that actually is my own child and to no longer hear the question: “so, you are not pregnant yet then?”

Reaching Out

Is there anyone out there like me?

I was so certain that this month it will happen. It will come true. I’ll get a positive. This month I didn’t even have the chance of getting a negative. I got my period. Two days early. We have been trying now for seven months and for me it’s been seven months too long. Clearly there are two people in this equation, two people trying desperately to have a baby but right now I feel so lonely. I had one choice, either drown in my own tears or set my fingers loose on my laptop. I chose the latter. The parent game is not much fun. So many people are telling me what to do, what to feel, what not to feel, even that I am imagining feelings; imagining aches and pains and signs of pregnancy. There you go, I said it. The ‘P’ word. With all this coming and goingI feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what is real anymore.

I was so sure this time would be ‘the time’. I was singing and dancing about being pregnant, about being a Mummy. Stroking my tummy, talking to my baby. Wondering if it’s a boy or girl. Now I feel like a fool. I know I probably have myself to blame but these past days were so magical and happy I wouldn’t change them even now. I feel that is the closest I’ll get to to being a parent.

So instead of being lonely, I’m reaching out to you. I hope you don’t mind. Right now though I’m going to officially curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. I’ll be back when I’m a little brighter, perhaps better company.