Reaching Out

Is there anyone out there like me?

I was so certain that this month it will happen. It will come true. I’ll get a positive. This month I didn’t even have the chance of getting a negative. I got my period. Two days early. We have been trying now for seven months and for me it’s been seven months too long. Clearly there are two people in this equation, two people trying desperately to have a baby but right now I feel so lonely. I had one choice, either drown in my own tears or set my fingers loose on my laptop. I chose the latter. The parent game is not much fun. So many people are telling me what to do, what to feel, what not to feel, even that I am imagining feelings; imagining aches and pains and signs of pregnancy. There you go, I said it. The ‘P’ word. With all this coming and goingI feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what is real anymore.

I was so sure this time would be ‘the time’. I was singing and dancing about being pregnant, about being a Mummy. Stroking my tummy, talking to my baby. Wondering if it’s a boy or girl. Now I feel like a fool. I know I probably have myself to blame but these past days were so magical and happy I wouldn’t change them even now. I feel that is the closest I’ll get to to being a parent.

So instead of being lonely, I’m reaching out to you. I hope you don’t mind. Right now though I’m going to officially curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. I’ll be back when I’m a little brighter, perhaps better company.