The More You Hear Something…

The more you hear something, the more you believe it, right?

For most of today I have been living by the mantra of “if I don’t feel it, it’s not there”. I have been feeling period pain twinges and I am begging for my mantra to come true. I am days away from the due date of my period and I’m feeling like stone. The other day, I was running for the train and once I had sat down experienced abdominal pain and I fear that I could have done something wrong. I’m torn between convincing myself that I’m not pregnant to still clinging onto the hope of getting a positive result. I’m inclined to prepare myself for the worst so that when my period does come, I am  merely convincing myself of what I already knew.  Does that mean though that the result is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I used to remain hopeful until I had proof that I was unsuccessful, but now I cling onto reality and would rather prepare myself for the worst instead of receiving the worst news without any coping mechanisms in place. Each month I analyse what I have done wrong. How I have harmed my chances. Was it running for the train? Was it allowing the stress of work getting on top of me? Was it not relaxing enough at home? Did I have too much caffeine?

What did I do wrong this time?

Reaching Out

Is there anyone out there like me?

I was so certain that this month it will happen. It will come true. I’ll get a positive. This month I didn’t even have the chance of getting a negative. I got my period. Two days early. We have been trying now for seven months and for me it’s been seven months too long. Clearly there are two people in this equation, two people trying desperately to have a baby but right now I feel so lonely. I had one choice, either drown in my own tears or set my fingers loose on my laptop. I chose the latter. The parent game is not much fun. So many people are telling me what to do, what to feel, what not to feel, even that I am imagining feelings; imagining aches and pains and signs of pregnancy. There you go, I said it. The ‘P’ word. With all this coming and goingI feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what is real anymore.

I was so sure this time would be ‘the time’. I was singing and dancing about being pregnant, about being a Mummy. Stroking my tummy, talking to my baby. Wondering if it’s a boy or girl. Now I feel like a fool. I know I probably have myself to blame but these past days were so magical and happy I wouldn’t change them even now. I feel that is the closest I’ll get to to being a parent.

So instead of being lonely, I’m reaching out to you. I hope you don’t mind. Right now though I’m going to officially curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. I’ll be back when I’m a little brighter, perhaps better company.