The More You Hear Something…

The more you hear something, the more you believe it, right?

For most of today I have been living by the mantra of “if I don’t feel it, it’s not there”. I have been feeling period pain twinges and I am begging for my mantra to come true. I am days away from the due date of my period and I’m feeling like stone. The other day, I was running for the train and once I had sat down experienced abdominal pain and I fear that I could have done something wrong. I’m torn between convincing myself that I’m not pregnant to still clinging onto the hope of getting a positive result. I’m inclined to prepare myself for the worst so that when my period does come, I am  merely convincing myself of what I already knew.  Does that mean though that the result is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I used to remain hopeful until I had proof that I was unsuccessful, but now I cling onto reality and would rather prepare myself for the worst instead of receiving the worst news without any coping mechanisms in place. Each month I analyse what I have done wrong. How I have harmed my chances. Was it running for the train? Was it allowing the stress of work getting on top of me? Was it not relaxing enough at home? Did I have too much caffeine?

What did I do wrong this time?