The Beautiful Pink Line

I have a beautiful secret.

I. Am. Pregnant.

 

I guess running for that train was not a bad thing after all. My last period was on 19th March which according to all the literature I have inundated myself with, I am now four weeks pregnant and my lovely bundle of joy is due on 19th December but in all likelihood may very well be a Christmas baby or indeed a 2013 baby.

For the majority of the past week since I found out I’ve been restless at home and unable to concentrate at work, revelling in my beautiful secret.  When I took the first test, I left the bathroom and tried to forget what was or was not happening behind the door. After the 3 minutes were over, my husband and I tread with trepidation only for me to be convinced that yet again we were not pregnant. Only when he followed me and showed the very faint second line did I allow myself to be convinced otherwise. I took a digital test the following morning which confirmed our hopes.

I had a slight scare earlier this week when I began experiencing very sharp pain which I am now guessing is my uterus stretching and my body beginning to prepare for the pregnancy. Although I am over the moon and so very excited at the news, I’m also very scared. I have tried to follow all the advice out there but instead of helping or reassuring me it is doing the absolute opposite. My advice to you at this stage (and also to myself) is to enjoy this time. If you want to buy every baby magazine around, do so. If you want to spend all day in Waterstones looking at baby books, do so. If you want to look up baby names, do so. Something dreadful may or may not happen, but God forbid if it does – I don’t want to remember this time as being scared. I want to remember this time with happiness, excitement and hope. I am determined to enjoy every second of my pregnancy – however long it lasts. I think it is also important not to seek too much advice. Even to those who have already had children. We are all different and our bodies react differently to others. It is no good comparing your ‘symptoms’ with others because neither is wrong. It will only convince you that something is wrong when in fact it is the complete opposite.

The main difference I have noticed is my morning sickness which I can assure you does not only occur in the mornings. I am experiencing it ALL day. I have started wearing sea bands that supposedly reduce the feeling but it doesn’t always work. I can’t wear them at work at the moment either or around others that I have yet to share my news with.  I’m not a good patient at all and hate the feeling of not being in control. Goodness knows how I will fare in the delivery room… There have already been bets on the sex of the baby being a girl due to the ‘morning’ sickness and although my husband wants to know the sex of our baby, I’m in two minds.

Talking of husbands, I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way but I now feel slightly envious of him. I feel the weight or responsibility at carrying our child safely through these next nine months, while he effectively sits back and reaps the rewards. I am trying to involve him as much as possible in everything I am feeling and hoping and experiencing. Becoming pregnant clearly involves two people yet it can feel so lonely sometimes. Not sure who to turn to. Who to listen to. Who to believe. We have been trying to get pregnant for a while and now it’s here, I’m genuinely over the moon yet do not ‘feel’ pregnant. What does it really feel like being pregnant? Will it come with time as my tummy grows? Does this make me a bad mother? So many questions….