The Beautiful Pink Line

I have a beautiful secret.

I. Am. Pregnant.

 

I guess running for that train was not a bad thing after all. My last period was on 19th March which according to all the literature I have inundated myself with, I am now four weeks pregnant and my lovely bundle of joy is due on 19th December but in all likelihood may very well be a Christmas baby or indeed a 2013 baby.

For the majority of the past week since I found out I’ve been restless at home and unable to concentrate at work, revelling in my beautiful secret.  When I took the first test, I left the bathroom and tried to forget what was or was not happening behind the door. After the 3 minutes were over, my husband and I tread with trepidation only for me to be convinced that yet again we were not pregnant. Only when he followed me and showed the very faint second line did I allow myself to be convinced otherwise. I took a digital test the following morning which confirmed our hopes.

I had a slight scare earlier this week when I began experiencing very sharp pain which I am now guessing is my uterus stretching and my body beginning to prepare for the pregnancy. Although I am over the moon and so very excited at the news, I’m also very scared. I have tried to follow all the advice out there but instead of helping or reassuring me it is doing the absolute opposite. My advice to you at this stage (and also to myself) is to enjoy this time. If you want to buy every baby magazine around, do so. If you want to spend all day in Waterstones looking at baby books, do so. If you want to look up baby names, do so. Something dreadful may or may not happen, but God forbid if it does – I don’t want to remember this time as being scared. I want to remember this time with happiness, excitement and hope. I am determined to enjoy every second of my pregnancy – however long it lasts. I think it is also important not to seek too much advice. Even to those who have already had children. We are all different and our bodies react differently to others. It is no good comparing your ‘symptoms’ with others because neither is wrong. It will only convince you that something is wrong when in fact it is the complete opposite.

The main difference I have noticed is my morning sickness which I can assure you does not only occur in the mornings. I am experiencing it ALL day. I have started wearing sea bands that supposedly reduce the feeling but it doesn’t always work. I can’t wear them at work at the moment either or around others that I have yet to share my news with.  I’m not a good patient at all and hate the feeling of not being in control. Goodness knows how I will fare in the delivery room… There have already been bets on the sex of the baby being a girl due to the ‘morning’ sickness and although my husband wants to know the sex of our baby, I’m in two minds.

Talking of husbands, I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way but I now feel slightly envious of him. I feel the weight or responsibility at carrying our child safely through these next nine months, while he effectively sits back and reaps the rewards. I am trying to involve him as much as possible in everything I am feeling and hoping and experiencing. Becoming pregnant clearly involves two people yet it can feel so lonely sometimes. Not sure who to turn to. Who to listen to. Who to believe. We have been trying to get pregnant for a while and now it’s here, I’m genuinely over the moon yet do not ‘feel’ pregnant. What does it really feel like being pregnant? Will it come with time as my tummy grows? Does this make me a bad mother? So many questions….

The More You Hear Something…

The more you hear something, the more you believe it, right?

For most of today I have been living by the mantra of “if I don’t feel it, it’s not there”. I have been feeling period pain twinges and I am begging for my mantra to come true. I am days away from the due date of my period and I’m feeling like stone. The other day, I was running for the train and once I had sat down experienced abdominal pain and I fear that I could have done something wrong. I’m torn between convincing myself that I’m not pregnant to still clinging onto the hope of getting a positive result. I’m inclined to prepare myself for the worst so that when my period does come, I am  merely convincing myself of what I already knew.  Does that mean though that the result is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I used to remain hopeful until I had proof that I was unsuccessful, but now I cling onto reality and would rather prepare myself for the worst instead of receiving the worst news without any coping mechanisms in place. Each month I analyse what I have done wrong. How I have harmed my chances. Was it running for the train? Was it allowing the stress of work getting on top of me? Was it not relaxing enough at home? Did I have too much caffeine?

What did I do wrong this time?

Don’t Ask…

Well it took me a while to return and I am still no closer to being a little brighter, I was close but not close enough. Since we last spoke I have turned to the prudence of ovulation kits and have since discovered that I may very well only be ovulating only one day each month. Went to the Doctor’s last night and was told that I have to be trying to conceive for at least two years before anything is taken further. She has scheduled some blood tests and of course I hope that everything comes back all clear but then again if that is the case, it  means I am still no closer to finding the answers to my never-ending questions. I’m not wishing to be classed as infertile but how do I deal with something that I can not see?

I am lucky. Lucky that I have the wonderful support of my husband and family but trying to conceive is one of the loneliest paths you will ever have to take. All the advice I have ever received is to relax, to take it easy. Stop stressing. The second you relax, you will find you get pregnant. I don’t know about you but what stresses me more is when I’m told to relax. To take it easy. To stop stressing. I have to say though that I’ve started to be a little more selfish these past days. I have tried to stress little, let my ironing pile up and occasionally ignore the stacking dishes in the kitchen. It hasn’t worked yet and in the end I begin to feel like a failure and inadequate for letting the laundry and dishes build up. I feel I am in a constant struggle to find middle ground.

The Doctor suggested I ignore the ovulation kits, that the kits are creating more harm than good. Judging from my cycle,  how on earth can I ignore them? For so many years my body has been like clockwork, I knew what every single ache and pain meant. What my body was trying to tell me. Now I am in the dark.I can’t help but question every ache, every pain. I felt sick this morning – is that a sign? I get headaches, does that mean I’m pregnant? I’m thirsty a lot, what does that mean? I plan for everything just so that I can feel in control. I create solutions for all imaginable problems and disasters and yet no matter how hard I look there are no solutions to this problem (and potential disaster).

I am in a dead-end job; have difficult colleagues and yet if I am honest am still in this job after two year for the much sought after maternity pay. I’m not earning a huge amount each month but it feels too irresponsible to leave. I fear though that the stress of my job is stopping me from getting pregnant. I would like to leave and train to be a teacher and of course my dream is to see my words in print.

I am not afraid to say that I was in tears last night. I long to wake up smiling each morning, to feel that my living is not wasted. I feel like a deer in headlights.

I long to hold a new-born baby in my arms that actually is my own child and to no longer hear the question: “so, you are not pregnant yet then?”

Reaching Out

Is there anyone out there like me?

I was so certain that this month it will happen. It will come true. I’ll get a positive. This month I didn’t even have the chance of getting a negative. I got my period. Two days early. We have been trying now for seven months and for me it’s been seven months too long. Clearly there are two people in this equation, two people trying desperately to have a baby but right now I feel so lonely. I had one choice, either drown in my own tears or set my fingers loose on my laptop. I chose the latter. The parent game is not much fun. So many people are telling me what to do, what to feel, what not to feel, even that I am imagining feelings; imagining aches and pains and signs of pregnancy. There you go, I said it. The ‘P’ word. With all this coming and goingI feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what is real anymore.

I was so sure this time would be ‘the time’. I was singing and dancing about being pregnant, about being a Mummy. Stroking my tummy, talking to my baby. Wondering if it’s a boy or girl. Now I feel like a fool. I know I probably have myself to blame but these past days were so magical and happy I wouldn’t change them even now. I feel that is the closest I’ll get to to being a parent.

So instead of being lonely, I’m reaching out to you. I hope you don’t mind. Right now though I’m going to officially curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. I’ll be back when I’m a little brighter, perhaps better company.